“I can picture you watching that movie while eating a deer leg or something.”

So, I had about a 1000 word post about a woman who road-raged at me (flipping me off, flashing her lights, waving her phone?) for fourteen miles driven in heavy traffic (around thirty minutes) because I didn’t let her over when she tried to do that thing where you barrel down a lane that is about to end in order to cut in front of as many people as possible, but the damn computer eated it.

That means I had to make a new post because I damn well wasn’t going to rewrite the old one (writing about rage, funnily enough, can make you a bit angry). You guys may not know this, but I am essentially a barbarian. I enjoy eating large chunks of meat with my hands, and I like hitting things. Boom. Barbarian. The post title was spoken by the Wuggles (with whom I have been reunited after decades of pining/a couple of weeks) when I asked him if I would like 300. In order to thoroughly embrace my barbaric nature, I recently made another new character on Skyrim. This character is an Orc. A badass Orc. It’s a she-Orc because I always play female characters, and she has a motherfucking warhammer. A warhammer is the heaviest two-handed weapon. I’ve tried playing magic characters, but I just can’t. The whole point of medieval fantasy video games is for me to hit things or slice them up with swords. Wizards can only set things on fire. That’s not nearly as cool. So I’m playing Skyrim with my flawless Orc lady, and I get a kill cut scene. Sometimes, when you get an extra good, critical hit, they’ll show you an animated shot of your character killing the other one. Each weapon has a few different animations. Axes, for example, can be buried in someone and yanked out, bashed straight down on someone’s head, or used to decapitate a person (the head will roll down mountains, too). So, I had just started using this warhammer, and I expected the usual bashy/pully death scenes. And then, my character grabbed the warhammer with the left and right hands far apart, held it straight out in front of her, parallel to the ground, lifted it up over the enemy’s head, trapping them in-between the hammer and my Orc, and then headbutted the enemy to death.

That’s right, my Orc has the strongest, heaviest weapon in the game, and one of her cut scenes shows her choosing to kill the enemy with her skull instead. I don’t know if this scene is for warhammers or for Orcs, but it is so damn cool. It makes me want to go out, kill a deer, roast it, and then eat it with my bear hands while watching 300. It makes me want to go to a tavern and bash someone over the head with a pint of ale (we will ignore the fact that my tolerance has leveled out at one beer = tipsy). It makes me want to fight glorious battles where my enemies run at the sound of my barbaric cry. I shall bring them to the ground with mighty blows! I shall slice the tendons of their horses to bring man and beast crashing to the earth! I shall swing my warhammer hard enough to break armor! I shall take the enemies’ shields and crash them over their owners’ heads! I SHALL FIGHT IN FIERCE COMBAT AND BRING THE ENEMY TO HIS KNEES WITH MY RAW, VIOLENT FORCE!


… I shall probably order drumsticks tonight, so that I may rend the tender flesh from a slain beast.